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How to Irritate an Atheist
Some foolproof
methods to irritate your favourite atheist. Just be careful how
you use them, or you may start wondering why the atheist is
strangling you.
1.
Ask them why they are bitter against God.
2.
Tell them that if there’s no God, they might as well go
out and kill people.
3.
Ask them to pray with you.
4.
Invite their children to go to church with you.
5.
Insist that there is a God, and show them where in the
Bible it says so.
6.
Hide Chick tracts in clever places around their office.
7.
Tell them that the universe is too complex to “just
exist,” and must have been created by a God who “just exists.”
8.
Make up statistics.
9.
End a discussion with “Well, I know you’re smarter than I
am, but I know I’m right.”
10.
Accuse them of persecuting you.
11.
Bring up arguments that make no sense whatsoever;
criticise their response with “You’re just not making sense.”
12.
Use multiple versions of Pascal’s Wager as though you
thought them up yourself.
13.
Use the Second Law of Thermodynamics to disprove
evolution.
14.
Post inane arguments on the Internet, and never follow up
on them.
15.
Say that separation of church and state isn’t in the
Constitution; insist that the Constitution is based on the Ten
Commandments.
16.
Cite Kent Hovind as a legitimate source of information.
17.
...and call him “Dr. Hovind.”
18.
Tell them they know in their hearts that God exists.
19.
Point out that we all take things on faith.
20.
Before starting an argument, say “You’re an atheist? That
means you’re going to hell!”
21.
After losing the argument say, “I pity you.”
22.
Accuse them of willfully ignoring the “obvious truth.”
23.
Use bad math to back up your claims.
24.
Drink the last beer in the fridge.
25.
...and buy natural light to replace it.
26.
Witness for Jesus, and completely ignore anything your
competition says.
27.
Call him a meanie.
28.
Tell him you don’t care what you say or prove, you will
still have your faith.
29.
When given a Bible verse that looks bad, tell him that’s
what the verse says, but that’s not what it means.
30.
Argue that the Bible stories are not myths . . . they’re
parables. And they’re all true!
31.
Lead off your criticism of the Big Bang theory with the
disclaimer that you’re not a physicist like he is.
32.
Lead off your suggestions for ways to prove that Noah’s
Flood occurred with the disclaimer that you’re not a geologist
like he is.
33.
Overwhelm him with your knowledge of science, using
examples: “And because of entropy you have to press the nozzle
on the spray can. The nozzle is entropy.”
34.
Use Latin a lot.
35.
Maintain that the King James Version is THE Bible; ignore
questions as to who was saved prior to 1611.
36.
Tell him that Moses wrote the Books of Moses.
37.
Explain that the lack of proof doesn’t mean it didn’t
happen.
38.
...and give him a blank look when he says that all people
tried for a crime would go to jail.
39.
Blame absolutely everything wrong in society on
evolution.
40.
Repeat something over and over, as if that made it true.
41.
Repeat something over and over, as if that made it true.
42.
Repeat something over and over, as if that made it true.
43.
Tell him that he acknowledges Christ every time he uses
“A.D.” -- which, of course, stands for “After Death.”
44.
Accuse him of being an agnostic, since he isn’t 100%
positive that God does not exist.
45.
Insist that the Bible is meant to be taken literally --
all except that verse he just showed you.
46.
Tell him that God works in mysterious ways.
47.
...and we’re too small to comprehend his reasoning.
48.
...and we shouldn’t think of him as “how he should be.”
49.
Point out that the fact that he talks about God so much
proves God’s existence.
50.
Tell him you know God exists because Mount Everest
exists.
51.
If a plane crashes, killing 300 passengers and crew, but
one little girl survives with only third-degree burns, tell him
that this miracle proves the existence of God.
52.
Insist that Noah’s Ark and the Shroud of Turin are real.
53.
...and tell him about the special on FOX where you saw
it.
54.
When he shows you a verse about genocide, ask him how he
dares to question the morality of God.
55.
Punch him in the face. Hard.
56.
When asked to prove a statement you made, say that you
already proved it.
57.
Tell him that we all fall short of God’s grace.
58.
Insist that faith is the only logical answer.
59.
No matter what he quotes from the Bible, say that it’s
out of context.
60.
...and when he points out that the quotes are in correct
context, tell him you need to be a Christian to understand the
true meaning of the Bible.
61.
Tell him you must study the Bible for many years to
reject Christianity.
62.
...and when he points out that you reject Islam despite
never having studied the Qu’ran, say that you have faith, and
faith is all you need.
63.
Ask him how he knows God isn’t real if he can’t see the
air.
64.
Sigh, shake your head, and say “I just know that someday
you’ll need Jesus.”
65.
Talk about how you used to be a miserable, sinning,
drug-abusing, alcoholic, sex-addicted, spouse-beating criminal
until you found God.
66.
Change your handle every couple weeks.
67.
Knock on his door at 9:00 in the morning and offer him a
pamphlet.
68.
Tell him that God loves him, even if he doesn’t love
himself.
69.
Admonish him to have sex for reproductive purposes only.
70.
Tell him about Christ’s plan for salvation for the
billionth time.
71.
Refuse to debate.
72.
Name a bunch of smart Christian people.
73.
...and when he names a bunch of smart atheist people,
call him stupid.
74.
Attribute every apparent error in the Bible to
mistranslation.
75.
...and then pull up a mistranslation from Isaiah to prove
that Jesus fulfilled prophecy.
76.
Burn him at the stake.
77.
When shown that the Bible says that Pi=3, say that the
Hebrews didn’t know anything about science, so it’s not their
fault.
78.
When shown the creation account in Genesis, insist that
the Hebrews had all kinds of scientific savvy, being inspired by
God.
79.
Lead him on until the very last moment, then tell him no…
not until you’re married.
80.
Insist that a person who makes Christianity look bad was
not a True Christian.
81.
Claim intellectual superiority on the grounds that only
smart people read the Bible.
82.
Smile smugly and tell him that there are no atheists in
foxholes.
83.
Quote Psalm 14:1 to him.
84.
...and then tell him that you think highly of him, and
want to be his friend.
85.
Give him the special gift of his very own “paraphrased”
modern Bible.
86.
Speak to him with a fake Australian accent.
87.
Cite the TGE Project as a collection of successful proofs
for God’s existence.
88.
Threaten to kill yourself if he doesn’t believe.
89.
Equivocate scientific faith with religious faith, and
conclude that, metaphysically, you are both in the same boat.
90.
Claim that archaeology is proof of the Bible’s truth.
91.
Misconstrue logical terms in order to prove that logic
does not work.
92.
Claim that logic is the atheist’s god.
93.
Claim that atheism is not only a belief -- it’s a
knowledge claim.
94.
Support your ludicrous contentions with “Most scholars
agree that...”
95.
Use only circular reasoning.
96.
Claim that the atheist only uses circular reasoning.
97.
Claim that circular reasoning is legitimate due to
circular reasoning being legitimate.
98.
Use the phrase “Hate the sin, love the sinner” as a
blanket response to the notion that Christianity is at fault for
something.
99.
State that Christianity has done a lot of good along with
all the mass murder.
100.
When asked to explain a theological concept, compare it
to something simple, like “water,” and then misunderstand that
you have incorrectly labeled the constructs of your analogy,
then dismiss the whole thing with, “You’ve just got to have
faith.”
101.
Upon hearing that he is an atheist, jump back
reflexively, as if you don’t want to catch whatever it is he’s
got.
102.
...then look at him as if he were a diseased leper who
just spit in your eye.
103.
End all your posts with John 3:16.
104.
...or “God Bless.”
105.
When he takes the time and trouble to explain where your
analogy or interpretation is at fault, begin your response with
a sigh, so he’ll know how patient you’re being.
106.
Open a minor-league baseball game with the national
anthem, followed by a gospel quartet singing a hymn, and solemn
prayer. (True story!)
107.
Open and close a martial arts class with obligatory
prayer, including the spectators. (Another true story!)
108.
Claim that God chooses who is going to heaven and humans
have nothing to do with his decision, but he’s going to hell
because he sinned.
109.
State that whatever he says is not worthy of
consideration, because the Bible says atheists can’t discern
what’s true anyway.
110.
Offer inane apologetics books in the hopes that he hasn’t
heard the arguments in them a thousand times already.
111.
Patiently explain that the 42 children that were torn to
bits by two bears sent by God were not really children, but
spawn of Satan.
112.
When asked if they would sacrifice their own child for
God, respond with “God would never ask me to do that.”
113.
Carefully explain that Lot’s daughters were never in
danger of gang rape, and that Lot knew this all along.
114.
Most carefully of all, explain that while all of the
Bible is inerrant, Revelation does not literally mean what it
says.
115.
Tell him that God answers all prayers -- sometimes the
answer is no.
116.
Tell him that Christians aren’t perfect -- just forgiven.
117.
Tell him that he can’t love anyone -- that’s why he can’t
love God.
118.
Offer to drive, then insist on listening to Christian
Talk Radio.
119.
...and laugh when you hear “This condom-nation will face
condemnation.”
120.
Claim that Einstein was a Christian.
121.
Tell him that he’ll come around just like your daughter
did… when she got confirmed just so that she could get married
in a big church.
122.
Vehemently claim that the theory of evolution is
incompatible with theism, then turn around and blame the theory
for promoting atheism.
123.
Say that evolution is not proven -- therefore the Bible
is correct.
124.
Tell him it’s his responsibility to prove that God
doesn’t exist.
125.
Invite him to a church social function, and show up late.
126.
...because you were with his wife.
127.
Deny that his child looks like him.
128.
Ask what he believes in, if not God.
129.
...then tell him that non-belief is also a worldview,
therefore there is no such thing as an atheist and Christianity
is true.
130.
Explain that Buddha’s last words were “Jesus, forgive
me.”
131.
...and tell him that you were “saved” when you heard that
story.
132.
...and when he explains that Buddha died 500 years before
Jesus was born, give him a blank look.
133.
Say that God can’t reveal himself with any real proof,
because that would remove the need for faith.
134.
When something awful happens, tell him not to blame God
-- he doesn’t interfere.
135.
When something wonderful happens, tell him to credit God
-- he made it happen.
136.
Tell him not to ask what happens to those who have never
heard of Jesus: HE has, and what is HE going to do about it?
137.
Explain that it doesn’t matter whether or not he thinks
he’s sinned -- all humans were imbued with original sin at the
moment of their birth.
138.
...then tell him that babies automatically go to heaven.
139.
...and mentally retarded people.
140.
...and those with Down’s Syndrome.
141.
Treat nothing he says as credible, because he is
possessed by Satan.
142.
Show that the Bible must be true because when you take
the original Hebrew letters, spread them out and twist them
around, you can spell words.
143.
...and when he points out that that will work with
literally any work in any alphabet, accuse him of
closed-mindedness and blasphemy.
144.
Spell it “athiest.”
145.
Spell it “evilution.”
146.
Tell him that the Bible is true because the Bible says it
is.
147.
Tell him that Hitler was an atheist.
148.
...and all atheists are therefore Nazis.
149.
Tell him that he’s playing right into Satan’s hands,
because Satan’s greatest ploy is convincing people that God
doesn’t exist.
150.
Use the word “atheist” as a verb.
151.
After your argument has been effectively refuted, wait a
few days and then repeapt the argument, adding, “You still
haven’t addressed this.”
152.
Make up your own language, and claim that his inability
to understand is due to his atheism.
153.
Claim that Jesus is the God based on the Old Testament,
then turn around and say that the Old Testament has nothing to
do with the New Covenant.
154.
Use the word “presupposition” incorrectly, repeatedly.
155.
Argue the most insignificant point you can think of; when
he doesn’t address your pettiness, claim victory.
156.
Constantly attempt to equate atheism with theism.
157.
Argue that the translation “errors” in the KJV were
actually God-inspired improvements, and therefore the KJV is the
most accurate of all translations.
158.
Say that God believes in him, whether or not he believes
in God.
159.
Call the Branch Davidians a “cult,” but insist that your
particular faction is a “religion.”
160.
...and argue that a practical distinction actually
exists.
161.
State with a straight face, “Yes, I believe that an
invisible fairy god king magically blinked us all into existence
in order to punish us for our salvation and that we must all
humble ourselves and eat his flesh and drink his blood,” and
then claim your belief is perfectly rational and superior to the
atheist “mind-set,” which can provide no answers.
162.
Tell him that he can’t use absolute logic because God is
the only absolute.
163.
Tell him the signs are there -- he’s just not looking.
164.
Tell him he wouldn’t believe even if someone rises from
the dead.
165.
Play Matthew McConnaghey: “Do you love this person? Prove
it.”
166.
Tell him that the third hour was Jewish time; the sixth
hour was Roman time.
167.
Try to perform an exorcism on him.
168.
Claim to be speaking in tongues when actually you’re just
babbling incoherently.
169.
Say that the Bible (as opposed to other holy books) is
true because it’s an eyewitness account.
170.
When he points out an apparent inconsistency of God’s
attributes, just say that God is infinite. The atheist, with his
finite, human brain cannot begin to understand God.
171.
For Muslims only: Say that it’s perfectly reasonable for
anyone to convert to your religion, but no one has a valid
reason to leave Islam; it is the perfect religion.
172.
Tell him that everyone has faith in SOMETHING.
173.
Say that whatever you turn to in your hour of need is
God.
174.
Make him clean out your car.
175.
Include cosmology and biogenesis when discussing
evolution.
176.
Tell him he won’t understand unless he believes, and he
can’t believe unless he understands.
177.
Ask how he can have any morals if he doesn’t believe in
God.
178.
Say that you know in your heart that belief in God is
perfectly logical and rational.
179.
Say that going to church is fun.
180.
...and when he says it’s boring, act surprised.
181.
Leave little Jesus cards on the tables at restaurants.
182.
Talk about all the great things Dubya is going to do for
our nation.
183.
Insist that homosexuality is a choice.
184.
Insist that Thomas Jefferson was a Christian.
185.
Tell his that it’s not a religion -- it’s a personal
relationship with Jesus Christ.
186.
Sing.
187.
When asked what’s wrong with evolution, tell them that it
doesn’t account for the origin of matter.
188.
Tell him he only doesn’t believe in God because his
family hates him.
189.
Advertise for heaven and hell.
190.
Send a child over to witness to him.
191.
...when he tells the child he’s not interested, send over
two adults to say the same things.
192.
...when he refuses again, give a Chick tract to a
three-year-old to give to him.
193.
Send a chat room message that he is a black-hearted
sinner.
194.
...then turn your IM off so that he can’t respond.
195.
Tell them that Darwin recanted evolution on his deathbed.
196.
...and when he tells you about the Lady Hope myth, cry.
197.
Create a website challenging evolution.
198.
...and when he actually does, close it down.
199.
Create a term for a blatant paradox in your religion,
then call other religions false because they don’t have it.
200.
Get into a chatroom argument with him, then start
SCREAMING the lyrics to “Amazing Grace” while your friends write
“Amen, brother” and other such nonsense as the atheist tries to
make his point.
201.
After losing an argument horribly, say that you will pray
for his eternal soul.
202.
...then begin praying loudly without his permission.
203.
Yell and scream about how he is going to hell during a
debate.
204.
...and when he gets tired of your yelling and screaming,
back out of the debate.
205.
When losing a debate, take advantage of his good nature
by punching out somebody near you until he stops talking.
206.
...when you see someone else do this, stop him by saying
that his religion is a peaceful one.
207.
Put gigantic crosses on everything he owns that you can
get your hands on.
208.
Counter every argument that begins with “God is defined
as...” with “So you believe in God?”
209.
Cry foul when he tries to create a club that is not
religious.
210.
Fail to have a basic grasp of history. (Spanish
Inquisition? What’s that?)
211.
Have your pastor hunt him down and force him into a
debate over dinner.
212.
When all else fails, never talk to him, and convince a
lot of other people to never talk to him either.
213.
Treat his Christian wife like shit.
214.
Complain to him about your own church, but don’t leave
it.
215.
Send the DEA an anonymous tip that he has bundles of
cocaine in his garage.
216.
Put a large cross in his yard.
217.
...then set it on fire with your hooded brethren.
218.
PUT ALL ARGUMENTS IN CAPITAL LETTERS TO GIVE THE
IMPRESSION THAT YOU’RE YELLING AND SCREAMING!
219.
Start your own university dedicated to religious
narrow-mindedness and restriction of free choice.
220.
...and name it “Liberty.”
221.
Perpetually ask saps for money on your television show.
222.
Avoid taxes and regulations because you’re doing God’s
work.
223.
Ask why he only focuses on the bad parts of the Bible.
224.
Accuse him of closed-mindedness for not accepting your
extraordinary claims.
225.
Tell him he has to believe before he can understand the
evidence.
226.
Tell him he is innumerate.
227.
Tell him he is illiterate.
228.
Tell him he is pissed.
229.
Tell him he won’t agree with you because the Holy Spirit
has closed his eyes to the truth.
230.
...then continue preaching to him.
231.
Insist that you’ve already refuted everything he said.
232.
Ask God to bless his dark heart.
233.
Threaten to sue his university for infringement of free
speech after he heckles you.
234.
Tell him that long hair is the Devil’s work.
235.
Tell him that all his music is the Devil’s work.
236.
Tell him that the fossils in the earth are the Devil’s
work.
237.
Create hoaxes to prove creationism (i.e. a human
footprint alongside a dino’s footprint).
238.
Claim that God can cure HIV if one prays hard enough.
239.
...then say that it is God’s choice who he will cure, and
anyway having HIV is better than an eternity in Hell.
240.
Turn up your amps so that everyone within three blocks
has to listen to him rant about Jesus.
241.
Double park on Sunday. Claim the principle of
righteousness.
242.
Ask who he turns to when he’s in danger.
243.
...when he says himself, say “No -- when you’re REALLY in
danger.”
244.
Grossly misunderstand the word “theory.”
245.
Declare that everyone knows in his heart that God exists,
but just want to worship themselves.
246.
Declare that without God there are no ultimate answers to
anything.
247.
...then declare that WITH God there is an ultimate answer
to everything -- and that answer is God.
248.
Declare that without God you finally die alone.
249.
Declare that atheism gives you nothing to hope for except
the false promises of this world.
250.
Use transitive verbs intransitively (e.g. “Jesus raised
from the dead”).
251.
...when corrected on the above (e.g. Jesus ROSE or WAS
RAISED from the dead), shout “Then you really do believe!”
252.
Announce that God was watching over a loved one who
survived a terrible tragedy.
253.
...and when the loved one later dies from his wounds,
announce that it was God’s will.
254.
Get him to admit that he KNOWS God exists, but Satan has
seduced him.
255.
Invite every single person in your church to give Chick
tracts to everyone they know.
256.
Ask if he’s ever heard of Jesus Christ.
257.
Show up on his front porch at 9:00 on Saturday morning,
and take advantage of his groginess by shoving copies of
Watchtower into his hands and getting him to read the Bible with
you, then walk away before he has any idea what’s going on.
258.
When he finally gets tired of you and launches several
“Do Not Feed the Troll” campaigns against you, change your
handle.
259.
When confronted with a sound logical argument, respond
with “Yes, but I don’t believe that.”
260.
Have the Gideon Bible waiting in the hotel room that he
pays for.
261.
Regale him with questions such as “Who do you think wakes
you up in the morning? Isn’t that a miracle?” while you, the bus
driver, should be watching the road.
262.
Scrape your fingernails on a blackboard.
263.
If you’re an ISP, repeatedly cut him off during a net
session, so that he must spend 90% of his time dialing.
264.
Program your church bells to play very loudly at really
odd hours.
265.
Every time the subject of his being an atheist comes up,
burst out laughing.
266.
Ask how he can possibly raise children in a godless
environment.
267.
Accuse him of having more than one personality.
268.
Talk to him with the assumption that he shares your
beliefs -- i.e. start a sentence with “You know how God wants us
to...”
269.
When the subject of homosexuality comes up, say “God
created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
270.
...and expect it to be taken as an intelligent remark.
271.
Insist that the Bible is completely true.
272.
...and when he conclusively proves otherwise, acknowledge
that the Bible is trash, but remain a Christian.
273.
...then take him to church.
274.
...and tell him he really must come more often.
275.
Reply to every statement he makes, “That’s only your
opinion.”
276.
Post something inflammatory about him, wait for him to
respond, then go back and either delete or edit your post so
that it appears that the atheist is attacking you for no reason.
277.
Become completely and totally paranoid about him.
278.
After bringing up a number of topics, explain your lack
of response by referring to some organized sport that you
participate in.
279.
Point to something in nature that’s really cool, and call
it proof of God’s existence.
280.
When he shows up at your wedding, bearing an expensive
gift for you, return the favour by sicing your minister on him
after the ceremony.
281.
If he has cancer, tell him with a sickeningly sweet smile
that you will pray for his recovery, because someone needs to.
282.
Refuse to give him your wallet after he quotes Matthew
5:42 to you.
283.
Insist you believe in the literal truth of the entire
Bible, except for Matthew 5:42.
284.
Take advantage of a horrible national tragedy, caused in
large part by religious fanaticism, by pushing your own
religious fanaticism as the only thing that will save us all.
285.
...and announce that the tragedy only happened because of
those who ignore your religious fanaticism.
286.
When asked why you bother praying to ask for things if
God has a Divine Plan, tell him that you’re not really asking
for things, but you’re trying to get closer to him. (It’s a lie,
of course, but don’t let that stop you.)
287.
Insist that a denomination of Protestantism founded in
the nineteenth century is the only true way.
288.
Insist on deathbed conversions.
289.
When ending your conversation with the atheist, promise
to read whatever book the atheist may have mentioned, knowing
darned well that you yourself never made it through Leviticus.
Nearly all the participants of the Secular Web’s FHJE board
contributed to this list in some way -- those who did not may
share in the credit anyway. :o)
http://myweb.cableone.net/silentdave/how_to_irritate_an_atheist.htm
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