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Not the Sunscreen Song
John Safran
Ladies and gentleman of the class of '98:
People often ask me if I have any advice to offer - and when they do, I
tell them this:
If you're unsure about what you're going to do with your life, try to
remember some of the most interesting people didn't know what they
were going to do at age 22, or even at 40 - and nearly all of them are
unemployed drug addicts, forced to live on cat food.
Also understand that friends will come
and go. This is because of your irritating personality. Nobody likes
you. So if the only thing getting you through the day is the
misconception that people like you, end it now.
(gunshot)
Learn how to smoke Winnie Blues. If you're under-aged, get an older kid
to buy them for you.
Get to really know your parents - they're
good for money. Milk them, then put them in an old people's home.
Travel as often as you can. Live in New
York City once. Live in northern California once. Never live in Adelaide
- it's a hole.
Maybe you'll marry. Maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children. Maybe
you won't. If you do have children, lock them under the stairs.
Do one thing each day that scares you.
Sing. Dance. Jump in front of a car. Do not trust anyone who tries to
update Shakespeare for kids. And if you see Quindon Tarver in the
street, punch him in the face for me.
Brother and sister, we can be free.
(punching-sound-effect, feedback)
If you're worried about the way you look, try to remember you're
probably fatter than you think. Maybe you should consider an eating
disorder.
Don't worry too much about the future. If
you're nervous about an exam, ring up your school at the scheduled time
and make a bomb threat. If you're a girl, lie about period pains to get
out of anything that you don't want to do. Cheat if you think you can
get away with it. Remember, someone with richer parents is getting
private tuition.
Shoplift as often as you can. Shopping centres factor shoplifting into
their prices so if you don't do it, it's like they're getting money for
free.
When you're on work experience, steal a
Cab Charge and take a taxi to Perth.
Wear sunscreen, but only if it's that
coconut oil that gives you cancer.
Keep your old love letters. If you see an
old lover in the street, try to run them over in your car.
Don't mess too much with your hair,
otherwise by the time you're 35, you'll look like Greg Matthews.
Remember, you can wear your underwear
four times without washing: forwards, backwards, inside out forwards,
inside out backwards.
Brother and sister we can be free-ee-ee,
Brother and sister, we can belieeeeve, we can belie-- (multiple
gunshots)
Congregate in gangs around train stations and shopping centres. It's a
free country. It's public space. Skateboard on war memorials. Smoke in
your school uniform. Set off car alarms. Plant drugs on a teacher. Join
a cult.
Spike drinks. Don't flush public toilets.
Remember, only you will only truly take
care of you - so carry a concealed weapon. Don't wear your P-plates.
Walk around with your eyelids rolled back. Touch you tongue on the tip
of batteries. Be open to new love. Remember: you can't get pregnant the
first time you have sex.
Expect others to support you. It's easy
to get the dole, and still do cash-in-hand work.
Respect your elders. When your grandma
dies, have her stuffed.
Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them
when you're kneecapped by a loan shark.
Get revenge. Don't forgive anyone for
anything.
But most of all, don't aim too high -
you're probably only suited to an office or factory job.
And trust me on the Winnie Blues. |