Is There a Santa Claus?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal, SPY magazine, I am pleased to present the annual scientific enquiry into Santa Claus.

1.    Flying Reindeer

No known species of reindeer can fly.  BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

2.    Households

There are two billion children (persons under 18) in the world.  BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15 per cent of the total (378 million according to Population Reference Bureau).  At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.  This assumes there's at least one good child in each.

3.    Time

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas with which to work, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).  This works out to 822.6 visits per second.  This is to say that for each christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh, and move on to the next house.  Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but for the purposes of our calculations, we will accept), we are now talking about 1.26km per household, a total trip of 121.5 million km, not counting stops to do what most of us *must* do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc..  This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 1050km per second (3,780,000 km/h) - 3000 times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 44.1km per second (158, 760 km/h); a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 24km/h.

4.    Payload

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.  Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (1kg), the sleigh is carrying 291,478.5 tonnes, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.  On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 136kg.  Even granted that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.  We need 214,200 reindeer.  This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 320,626 tonnes.  Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5.    Force

The sleigh, 320,171 tonnes, travelling at 1050km per second, creates enormous air resistance.  This will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.  Per second.  Each.  In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.  The entire reindeer team will be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second.  Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces over 17,500 times greater than gravity.  A 113 kg Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by almost 2 million Newtons of force.

In Conclusion:

If Santa ever DID exist/deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

~ Found in a Victorian Mensa newsletter some years ago.